Ahhh, the celebrity chef. In a world of ever-decreasing biodiversity, it’s good to see a species flourish. Much like the rat, feral pigeon or avian flu virus, the celebrity chef breeds with great success in the modern world, setting up many a colony in the darker corners of London, and increasingly in the borderlands of Merrie Englande as well.

I mock overmuch though, or at least with more than a tinge of hypocrisy. A certain part of me experiences a filthy thrill when it eats at a celebrity owned restaurant, a thrill derived from the sense that since I am in such a place I must clearly be achingly fashionable, or at least exciting enough to arouse the jealousy of friends and colleagues. Ramsey, White and Stein have already delivered this small thrill to me (see me namedrop!) but alas poor youthful Jamie Oliver has not yet had the opportunity.

Until now.

Jamie’s Italian
24-26 George Street
Oxford
OX1 2AE

I’ve been planning a trip to Jamie’s for some time now, but only got the opportunity this week after a visit to Oxford Crown Court. My appetite built up by an exciting s78 application to exclude evidence, I was ready for a meal, and hopefully a fine one. The meal I had consisted of the following:

1 x crispy squid with spicy roasted red pepper mayo
1 x truffle tagliatelle
1 x tiramisu
1 x bottle of sparkling mineral water
1 x single espresso

Total price: About £20

And here’s the mark scheme:

Food 30
Ambience 30
Service 20
Price 10
Drinks 10

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The food at Jamie’s is, to be honest, pretty good. Fresh and tasty although perhaps a little bit pretentious. The crispy squid starter was especially nice – not too greasy, with the red pepper mayo providing just the right tang to lift what could have been a somewhat bland dish. The pasta main was a little more pedestrian, although the truffle seemed to be reasonably fresh (surprisingly rare even in otherwise excellent restaurants). The tiramisu was a bit of a letdown though – it tried to be clever, messing with the simple tiramisu formula, and ended up being a bit too unfamiliar. If I’m ordering something as generic as a tiramisu, I’m in the mood for something reassuring – it’s a mistake to mess with my expectations.

All that said though, I was a little underwhelmed by the food. It’s something about the celebrity chef thing – it makes you expect the Earth, and it makes you disappointed when you don’t get it. Jamie’s Italian is only priced at about the same level as somewhere like ASK, but the food needs to be much better to justify the celebrity wankery, the inability to book (Jamie’s is too good for bookings), and the general pretentiousness of the whole affair. The portion sizes were disappointing too.

So overall, Food is only getting 17 marks.

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Jamie’s Italian has clearly gone for a very ‘fashionable’, ‘urban’ look, and if you could imagine that my lip is curling with contempt as I write those words, I’d be appreciative. The place is all uncomfortable metal chairs and décor that’s sparse to the point of plainness. It’s obviously meant to be a virtue, only it isn’t. Jamie seems to want to say ‘hey, look how down to Earth and unpretentious my restaurant is!’, and sadly when you do that consciously you give the opposite impression. And you still look a little cheap.

There was one nice touch though – the bar has CCTV cameras routed to the kitchen, allowing you to watch your meal being prepared. It’s nice and reassuring to see a clean, professional workspace, since I have a sneaking suspicion that most restaurants cook on workbenches made from moulded rat shit.

Ambience… hmm… well, I’ll be generous and give 16 marks.

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Service… time to be mean. The first thing that annoys me about Jamie’s Italian is that they won’t take bookings. Because Jamie’s is a celebrity restaurant, that means there’s always a queue stretching out of the door – a long one at meal times, a shorter one the rest of the time, but there’s ALWAYS a queue. What, am I not good enough to book a table in your restaurant Jamie, you arrogant fuck?? Do I have to queue in the rain to deserve your distinctly mediocre food and uncomfortable tables? You’re ASK with a celebrity chef’s name on it – get the hell over yourself!

At least when you’re inside the staff are polite and efficient. It’s probably too late though, since my rage is already up. Also, the waiter referred to espresso as ‘expresso’. Five marks gone. I normally withhold tips for that, but the person I was with felt it would have been cruel to do so, so they got a minimum 10%. If you’re going to serve a thing, learn how to pronounce it, for God’s sake! Not being able to say ‘espresso’ is up there with not bringing the bill to me and (guess what) not taking bookings in the rankings of things guaranteed to create an unreasoning, red-eyed rage in me.

You’re only getting 8 marks for service, Jamie boy. You’re getting that low mark because you’ve forgotten than customers are doing YOU a favour by coming into your restaurant – you’re not doing them a favour by letting them in.

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Price is the best thing about Jamie’s Italian. The food is reasonable, fresh, and priced at about the same level as ASK or Bella Pasta. That’s a good thing. If only you didn’t have to queue to get in, price alone would be enough to recommend Jamie’s.

Price gets 9, therefore.

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Lastly, drinks. Jamie’s has a decent selection of wines and spirits, and the usual soft drinks. Nothing special, but equally nothing spectacular. Still, at the price, the standard of drinkage is just about right.

Thusly are 8 marks given for drinks.

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That gives Jamie’s Italian an overall score of:

58%

If you like the celebrity gloss and glamour, go to Jamie’s – it’ll make up for the flaws that might otherwise damage your experience. If on the other hand you couldn’t give less of a shit about celebrity endorsement, then don’t bother with Jamie’s. There are other places at a similar price that’ll give you a similar or better experience, and they’ll let you book a table too.