Previously On Michael Bay's A Boy and His Robot...

In the first Transformers movie Michael Bay presented a competent and tongue-in-cheek movie about robots smashing the crap out of each other, fused at the hip with a less interesting teen comedy and a completely bland war movie. His intent with the sequel seems to be to provide more of the same. Does he succeed? Let's watch.

I Saw the Best Robots of My Generation Destroyed By Megatron

Apologies in advance, by the way. This review is going to be more than a little disjointed, but I can only plead that this is the fault of the source material. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is an incredibly incoherent movie. Whereas the separate strands of the first Transformers film eventually came together smoothly and naturally, the different threads of Revenge of the Fallen never quite integrate into a single powerful story, to the point where I'm finding it almost impossible to do the same for my review. So I'm likely to hop about from subject to subject a bit as I try to make sense of this horrendous mess.

That said, it's my understanding that the writing process for this film was impacted by the writer's strike, and to be fair the major flaw of the film lies in the writing. You can't say anyone does much acting in this film, but the actors say their lines without giggling at the stupidity of them and the CGI robots are a bit easier to distinguish from one another these days (although not much easier) and the direction doesn't involve so much camera-shaking that it becomes impossible to follow the fights. It's the script which introduces most of the idiocy, and I'm genuinely baffled as to how I'm supposed to take it. A lot of the scenes are played for laughs, even more so than in the first film, but at the same time the script is crammed with elements that on the face of it seem intended to be taken seriously, even though they are actually just as daft. The intervention of the Great Robot Gods at the end is the culmination of all this: it's like the scriptwriter wanted us to take the Robot Gods seriously but Bay couldn't keep a straight face. It's almost as though they went looking for the worst fanfic they could find and then made a parody of it.

The rest of this review will consist of nitpicking and rants, I'm afraid.

Gestapo: Robots In Disguise

So, how have things unfolded in the two years since the original film? Well, the people of Earth are completely unaware that the Autobots are amongst them for starters. Those who've seen the first film and remember the magnitude of the events depicted and the sheer number of witnesses involved might wonder how the coverup was achieved, so here's the scoop: the writers put it in the script, so it happened. Clearly, they decided they wanted to play up the "robots in disguise" angle, which is fair enough but goes completely against the source material, in which the supposedly covert nature of the Autobots was forgotten about entirely within a couple of episodes.

Anyway, Optimus Prime and his pals have joined up with NEST, a special joint US-British operation which consists of a bunch of US Marines and a single SAS guy who's very easy to miss and is devoted to hunting down the remaining Decepticons wherever they emerge. The opening film follows one such operation that takes place in Shanghai, apparently with the willing co-operation of the Chinese government (although no actual Chinese soldiers are seen at any point, because of course China loves the idea of the US conducting military operations in its territory without a shred of People's Liberation Army involvement...), in the course of which NEST and the Autobots wreck a bunch of stuff, including a few Decepticons. The lead Decepticon is cornered, and Prime says "Any last words?"; said Decepticon babbles something foreboding about The Fallen, and Prime callously shoots him in the head.

Yes, you read that right: Optimus Prime leads a death squad in this movie.

Michael Bay: Militarist, Fascist, Patriot

That's not the only thing that made me raise a decadent liberal lefty eyebrow in the course of the film. As in the previous movie, the US Marines, and the military and espionage structure of the US as a whole, is depicted as being vastly more on the ball than the civilian government. A civilian advisor for President Obama (Obama's definitely currently the President in this universe, it's mentioned in a news broadcast) turns up and whines at the Autobots, accusing them of bringing the Decepticon wrath down on Earth through their presence, contemplates giving in to the Decepticons when they demand that Earth hand over Shia the Beef, and is on the verge of disbanding NEST before they trick him into jumping out of a plane. If only Obama would keep his edjamacated nose out of the military's business and let them get on with the War On Decepticons things would be fine!

Along with the adulation of the US Marine Corps (some of the Autobots even go "Hoooargh" in that weird Cro-Magnon way the Marines do at one point) and the contempt for civil government, there's also a delicious slice of anti-intellectualism in the college sequences, in which educational institutions are depicted as enormous wastes of space full of partying rich kids and stuck-up, corrupt, manipulative, professors who are basically sexual predators with a few degrees and an unwillingness to see the transcendant truth revealed through the schizophrenic ravings of their students (of which more later).

Oh, and here's something odd I noticed. The climax of the film takes place in Egypt, in the vicinity of the Giza pyramids, which are just outside Cairo. Shia the Beef is following the stars to the burial place of Christ the Great Robot Gods, and mentions how they point "east, towards Jordan". The US forces make sure to brief the Egyptians and the Jordanians about what is going down, and at one point get air support from the Jordanian air force.

Now, there is a problem here, in that there's another country bordering Egypt (in fact, with a more significant land border than that with Jordan) that really should have been mentioned at some point in the above context. A country which is the first place you hit as you go due east from Cairo. A country allied to the US and with a competent air force that could have helped out in the final fight. A country which, considering the volatile political situation of the region, should at the very least be briefed about disturbing joint Egyptian-Jordanian military exercises taking place to prevent any misunderstandings.

That country, of course, is Israel.

Now, I'm not accusing Michael Bay and his writers of deliberately not mentioning Israel in the hope that that will make the film sell better in the Middle Eastern markets, bu- ha ha, only kidding, that's precisely what I'm accusing them of doing.

In more direct racism, on the robot side, there are two comic relief Autobots which talk like comedy gangsta stereotypes (one of them has a gold tooth, I shit you not), on the human side the only black people of any significance are in the US Marines, and even then their speaking parts are restricted to sassy one-liners. (What the fuck is it with Hollywood directors using the Black Marine Sergeant stereotype to check off the "racial diversity" checkbox? Is that the only position of responsibility they can contemplate black people having? Do they think that African-Americans are Klingons or something?) Furthermore, despite filming in Egypt, no Egyptians have any real impact on the plot. There's a brief encounter at a police checkpoint, a bunch of nomads who live in a bunch of desert ruins (if "desert ruins with Arabs living in them" is giving you flashbacks to the first film, hold that thought, because we're going to come back to that), and a brief shot of the secret service tipping the CIA off to Shia's presence. Oh, and the Jordanian air force swings by to lend some support and gets shot down almost immediately.

Michael Bay is a classy man.

Yes They're Pretty But Could We Have Some Plot Please?

Remember the teen comedy angle in Transformers? Remember how we all gave a fuck about it? Remember how we were so irritated when the robot action heroics started because we wanted to see a goofy coming-of-age story about a boy, his first car, and the girl who is willing to have threesomes with said boy and said car?

What's that, you don't? Well, perhaps it would be best if you spent the first half an hour of the movie drinking heavily until Michael Bay's fumbling stab at a soap opera gives way to ass-kicking and gunplay. (You will need to be good and drunk to appreciate some of the plot elements later on in the movie, like the Great Robot Gods). Here's the summary: Shia the Beef is going to college to get some book learnin', his parents are going to go on holiday in France, his mum eats a marijuana brownie at the college (that was apparently being sold openly in the hallways) and goes nuts. Meanwhile, Megan Fox can't afford to go to college so she spends her time working in her father's motorcycle repair shop. Her job involves sprawling provocatively all over motorbikes painting nude succubi on them; she is somehow able to execute these images competently despite the fact that she has chosen the absolute worst posture for painting, but the absolute best one for showing off her tits to the audience. Before Shia goes off to college he promises to stay faithful to her and gives her a long distance relationship kit containing all the crap she would otherwise have to break into his dorm room and steal from him in order to fill her stalker shrine with delicious reminders of her beloved victim. Between this and some utterly fake-sounding banter about how neither of them is willing to say "I love you" first, Shia discovers a tiny fragment of the AllSpark, the magic box from the last movie, that he left in his shirt pocket. Having literally found a previously-nonexistent loose end in his unwashed laundry Shia naturally gets up to some comedy hijinks before he contains it and gives it to Megan for safekeeping. Because there's no chance that Optimus Prime or NEST could possibly want it.

At college, Shia the Beef has to handle the fact that hot women desire his beef despite his earnest wish to stay loyal to Megan, his roommate is a dick who runs a conspiracy theory website and has learned a little too much about the Transformers coverup, his fraternity throws lousy parties where people gyrate to horrendously bad covers of Talking Heads songs, and Bumblebee is sad that freshmen aren't allowed cars on campus.

Oh, also he's hearing voices and seeing symbols because the AllSpark fragment uploaded all of the information contained within it into his brain. I'll get back to that in a bit.

You Didn't Mention Him Last Time

Meanwhile, in the robot action movie that somehow became attached to this screwball teen romantic comedy about a working class girl's love for a college schizophrenic, the actual plot is transpiring at a brisk pace, and in a manner which will be at once familiar and bizarre to Transformers fans. Soundwave shows up and tentacle rapes a military satellite, pwning all communications everywhere. (They still don't know he's there by the end of the film). Ravage emerges from Soundwave and vomits ball bearings down an air vent to steal NEST's one remaining fragment of the AllSpark. The Decepticons locate Megatron and sacrifice one of their own to bring him back to life. They all fly back to the secret Decepticon base on a moon of Saturn, at which point Megatron bitches out Starscream for leaving him to die and Starscream Wormtongues about the place. It transpires that the Decepticons were, all along, working for The Fallen, an ancient Transformer which as luck would have it was never mentioned even once in the previous film. The Fallen talks like the Emperor from Star Wars and refers to Megatron as "My apprentissssssssssss."

Transformers fans will understand approximately half the previous paragraph and be baffled by the other half. Those who are not Transformers fans will just be confused by it. Those who actually watch the movie really need to be drunk by this point.

The Descent Into Delirium

By the way, around this point Optimus Prime and Shia the Beef have a heart-to-heart in a graveyard, Optimus being disarmingly casual about the risk of being noticed by the public. Optimus laments that the Autobots are in trouble because they don't have any pieces of the AllSpark left. Shia the Beef immediately tells Optimus about the shard that he found and gave to Megan Fox oh wait no he doesn't do that at all. I have no idea what he was thinking at this point; perhaps he doesn't approve of Optimus's membership of the robot Gestapo and is trying to stick it to the man, or maybe he secretly wishes Megan weren't holding him back and is hoping the Decepticons will take her out.

At this point, Shia the Beef goes insane, and so does the movie.

Women turn into robots with grotesque prehensile tongues and tails. Decepticons crawl up Shia's nose. Optimus Prime rips a Decepticon's head to shreds. The violence between the robots increasingly resembles grotesquely over the top violence between human beings, with Autobots knocking the awfully blood-like oil out of Decepticons and ripping out the oozing spinal cords I'm sure they didn't have in the first movie. A stealth fighter turns into an ancient pirate. A toy car humps Megan Fox's leg. The awful realisation dawns that the Transformers have less character in this film than the humans, so the increased focus on the Transformers is of no avail. Shia the Beef is protected by the US Marine Corps as he tries to sprinkle magic pixie dust (it is in fact described as magic pixie dust) over a fallen comrade to effect a resurrection. This takes place during a complete rehash of the "Marines are under siege in a ruined desert village" set piece from the first film. World heritage sites are attributed to alien intervention and ripped apart. Michael Bay pretends that the Jewish state does not exist.

On second thoughts, don't go to see this movie drunk, or in any altered state of consciousness. You will freak the fuck out.

Please At Least Tell Me There's Another Pissing Sequence

Yes, Bumblebee does indeed unleash his load. The downside for you piss fans is that he's in car form, but the plus side is that it's all over a beautiful lady. Expect horrible fanfiction on the subject within days of this post.

What's more, a kitchen appliance has a comically oversized dicklaser, and Devastator (the enormous Decepticon formed by the merging of the Constructicons) has massive wrecking balls for testicles. Add the gangsta bots and Wheelie and it soon becomes apparent that the Transformers are even more comedic than they were in the last film.

This is a recurring problem that Michael Bay has: he can't have the robots talk without either playing it for laughs or taking them laughably seriously. The Decepticons were almost entirely mute in the first film, and that worked kind of well; there's an almost direct correlation in this film between the amount a robot talks and the idiocy of his or her characterisiation. (Yes, there's robot motorcycle chicks this time around). The intervention of the Constructicons is fun, but I kind of wish that they'd been introduced with... well... any sort of introduction at all; as it is, they just sort of appear. (And where the fuck does Bay get off setting up a prehistoric plotline that doesn't involve the Dinobots? GRIMLOCK SMASH!!!)

So What You're Saying Is That This Is the Most Fucked Up Transformers Release Ever?

Nope. Second most.

Second Most?

The most fucked up Transformers release is and always shall be Kiss Players.

It is, however, easily the most disturbingly violent release in the series, and I include the first movie in this. Again, there's a bit where Prime rips a Decepticon's head to pieces. Considering the relish with which he undertakes his death squad missions one can only conclude that Prime is some sort of psychopath, especially since he's also intent on shutting down every possible Energon source available to the Decepticons, thus dooming the entire Transformer race to extinction. His followers worship him to the point where Jetfire willingly lets Optimus Prime eat him in order to ensure the defeat of the Fallen. Basically, Megatron is a corrupt fertility god who can only bring about procreation through destruction, a bit like Slaanesh, whilst Optimus Prime just revels in violence and destruction despite the consequences, like a champion of Khorne.

Oil for the Oil God! Gears for the Throne of Prime!