Back from the future ... Claire F. Fizgerald reviews 2011.
Books
This has been a year of massively hyped books. In January, schoolchildren and fans the world over queued outside the shops for hours to be the first to get their hands on the latest thrilling instalment of JK Rowling's classic fantasy, Harry Potter and the Interminable Quidditch. As one devotee put it, "This one is going to be the best ever! The publishers say this one really is interminable!" Rumours that the book is entirely made up of online fanfic are vigorously denied. Meanwhile, controversial bullshitmonger David Irving is in trouble again, this time for denying that the Second World War actually happened in his new book: Adolf Hitler: Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood. "If you actually examine the evidence," he said, in a recent Sunday Times interview, "you'll see that much of World War Two is actually made up by Jews, for reasons of their own. Take the Battle of Stalingrad for example. Total fib. I know, I've been there, and it looks fine to me."
Film
The critical flop of the year has got to be the Tom Hanks thriller' based on the book The De Quincy Code, in which the hero, a gun-toting art historian, tries to uncover Jesus's secret hidden drugs stash, until now kept under close and secret protection by the Catholic Church, by solving a trail of sudokus each more fiendish than the last. Professor Butch Cheverton-Foxe of the British Association of Gun-Toting Art Historians said "It was bollocks. Our professional lives are much more glamorous and action-packed than that, with lots more fights and helicopters and stuff. NYAWWWWWMMMM! Dn-n-n-n-n-n-n! See, I just shot you with my machine-gun. You're dead now." Also controversial this year was the introduction of a new Academy Award category for Best Swearing, this year given to Samuel L. Jackson for his role in Snakes on a Plane: The Motherfucking Sequel. And since last year's military coup by a junta representing the Countryside Alliance, the Free Michael Shields Campaign and two blokes dressed up as Batman, Helen Mirren is still doing an exceptional job reprising her performance as the Queen on a permanent basis. She is certainly much more believable and charismatic in the role than the original Queen. Long may it continue, ma'am!
Television
The BBC's Torchwood continues to attract large audiences, and it's not hard to see why. Initially conceived as a post-watershed Dr Who, this season ended on a brilliantly climactic finalee literally, when Gwen and Owen had a 3-way with a dalek on the floor of the Welsh Assembley building, and then went on a shooting spree. Less controversial is the new lifestyle makeover programme in which Trinny'n'Susannah and Gillian McKeith compete to drive people to nervous breakdowns every week. The show is titled Your Shit (And You Know You Are!), which is not a typo she does actually inspect other people's faecal matter. And then tell them off about the contents. And get paid for it. Apparently. The other reality hit was Celebrity Big Brother: The Nation's Favourite Public Intellectuals Round!, a collaboration between Endemol entertainment and Prospect Magazine. As Professor Amartya Sen pointed out: "Winning the Nobel Prize for Economics was nice, but when I climbed up the rotating flag-pole to get our weekly shopping without falling into the gunk-tank, well, that's a really worthwhile use of a university professor's time!" Richard Dawkins was less sanguine, however. "It's obvious I was never going to win. I mean, Professor Susan Greenfield and Dame Helena Kennedy QC sharing a Churchill Corona in the hot tub? How the bollocksing hell is anyone meant to compete with that?"
Music
Bob Dylan's appearance on the i-pod advert has once and for all shattered the taboos which once surrounded credible musicians endorsing commercial products. And adverts have taken a turn for the better witness Noel and Liam Gallagher's unforgettable performance as the new faces of Kwik Fit, and Johnny Rotten's anarchic take on the merits of Birds Eye Frozen Peas.
Theatre
There has only been one theatrical sensation worth talking about this year: La Scala Too Hot For TV! As the artistic director explained: "When Roberto Alagna got his pantaloncini in a knot last year, it was the only thing anyone talked about. So we figured, why not get rid of the opera altogether and just have the tantrums! It's explosive stuff! Only the other night, for example, Lesley Garrett smacked our second violinist round the back of the head with a folding metal chair. She called him all the names under the sun! Effing this and blinding that! It was brilliant!"
Gaming
Nintendo's latest offering was the must-have gadget this Christmas, and it's not hard to see why. The Digital Offline Operating Router opens a fully immersive world, with 3D surround sound and vision, a variety of social networking options, and a fully interactive environment. A potentially infinite range of customisable applications allow users to play ball-games, interact with buddies or just take in the incredibly detailed and diverse backdrop to the Random Entropy Actualising Language, Work Open-chat Relaxation and Leisure Dimension operating system. Here's one bit of essential hardware no home should be without!
This has been a year of massively hyped books. In January, schoolchildren and fans the world over queued outside the shops for hours to be the first to get their hands on the latest thrilling instalment of JK Rowling's classic fantasy, Harry Potter and the Interminable Quidditch. As one devotee put it, "This one is going to be the best ever! The publishers say this one really is interminable!" Rumours that the book is entirely made up of online fanfic are vigorously denied. Meanwhile, controversial bullshitmonger David Irving is in trouble again, this time for denying that the Second World War actually happened in his new book: Adolf Hitler: Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood. "If you actually examine the evidence," he said, in a recent Sunday Times interview, "you'll see that much of World War Two is actually made up by Jews, for reasons of their own. Take the Battle of Stalingrad for example. Total fib. I know, I've been there, and it looks fine to me."
Film
The critical flop of the year has got to be the Tom Hanks thriller' based on the book The De Quincy Code, in which the hero, a gun-toting art historian, tries to uncover Jesus's secret hidden drugs stash, until now kept under close and secret protection by the Catholic Church, by solving a trail of sudokus each more fiendish than the last. Professor Butch Cheverton-Foxe of the British Association of Gun-Toting Art Historians said "It was bollocks. Our professional lives are much more glamorous and action-packed than that, with lots more fights and helicopters and stuff. NYAWWWWWMMMM! Dn-n-n-n-n-n-n! See, I just shot you with my machine-gun. You're dead now." Also controversial this year was the introduction of a new Academy Award category for Best Swearing, this year given to Samuel L. Jackson for his role in Snakes on a Plane: The Motherfucking Sequel. And since last year's military coup by a junta representing the Countryside Alliance, the Free Michael Shields Campaign and two blokes dressed up as Batman, Helen Mirren is still doing an exceptional job reprising her performance as the Queen on a permanent basis. She is certainly much more believable and charismatic in the role than the original Queen. Long may it continue, ma'am!
Television
The BBC's Torchwood continues to attract large audiences, and it's not hard to see why. Initially conceived as a post-watershed Dr Who, this season ended on a brilliantly climactic finalee literally, when Gwen and Owen had a 3-way with a dalek on the floor of the Welsh Assembley building, and then went on a shooting spree. Less controversial is the new lifestyle makeover programme in which Trinny'n'Susannah and Gillian McKeith compete to drive people to nervous breakdowns every week. The show is titled Your Shit (And You Know You Are!), which is not a typo she does actually inspect other people's faecal matter. And then tell them off about the contents. And get paid for it. Apparently. The other reality hit was Celebrity Big Brother: The Nation's Favourite Public Intellectuals Round!, a collaboration between Endemol entertainment and Prospect Magazine. As Professor Amartya Sen pointed out: "Winning the Nobel Prize for Economics was nice, but when I climbed up the rotating flag-pole to get our weekly shopping without falling into the gunk-tank, well, that's a really worthwhile use of a university professor's time!" Richard Dawkins was less sanguine, however. "It's obvious I was never going to win. I mean, Professor Susan Greenfield and Dame Helena Kennedy QC sharing a Churchill Corona in the hot tub? How the bollocksing hell is anyone meant to compete with that?"
Music
Bob Dylan's appearance on the i-pod advert has once and for all shattered the taboos which once surrounded credible musicians endorsing commercial products. And adverts have taken a turn for the better witness Noel and Liam Gallagher's unforgettable performance as the new faces of Kwik Fit, and Johnny Rotten's anarchic take on the merits of Birds Eye Frozen Peas.
Theatre
There has only been one theatrical sensation worth talking about this year: La Scala Too Hot For TV! As the artistic director explained: "When Roberto Alagna got his pantaloncini in a knot last year, it was the only thing anyone talked about. So we figured, why not get rid of the opera altogether and just have the tantrums! It's explosive stuff! Only the other night, for example, Lesley Garrett smacked our second violinist round the back of the head with a folding metal chair. She called him all the names under the sun! Effing this and blinding that! It was brilliant!"
Gaming
Nintendo's latest offering was the must-have gadget this Christmas, and it's not hard to see why. The Digital Offline Operating Router opens a fully immersive world, with 3D surround sound and vision, a variety of social networking options, and a fully interactive environment. A potentially infinite range of customisable applications allow users to play ball-games, interact with buddies or just take in the incredibly detailed and diverse backdrop to the Random Entropy Actualising Language, Work Open-chat Relaxation and Leisure Dimension operating system. Here's one bit of essential hardware no home should be without!
