Friday, February 02 2007
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A Beginner's Guide to Fantasy
by Kyra Smith
Kyra Smith's gentle introduction to the genre.
As my recent review of Sarah Monette's Melusine reminded me, I love fantasy. That's why I'm so bitter about it. In the spirit then, of tainted love, I offer up a brief guide to translating the blurb.
"a myth cycle for our times" -- has not been edited
"Absorbing" -- trashy
"Adds an extra dimension of depth and breadth to the series" -- shameless padding
"A richly imagined world" -- in which nothing happens
"Challenges the conventions of the genre" -- reveals orcs to be misunderstood
"Charming" -- twee
"Classic" -- plundered ruthlessly by every other fantasy author (see Tolkeinesque)
"Comparable to." -- vaguely similar but not as good as
"Complex plot with lots of twists and turns" -- the mentor turns out to be the villain
"Cross-generational appeal" -- no sex
"Cult following" -- spawned a fanfic site
"Dark" -- contains whores (see gritty)
"Darkly sensual" -- contains elf bondage
"Deals with contemporary issues" -- contains gay elves
"Edgy" -- pornographic
"Epic" -- interminable
"Essential" -- has rabid fans
"Existential" -- everybody dies
"Forms an integral part of the series" -- doesn't make sense
"Free flowing" -- a mess
"Full of treachery and intrigue" -- people poison each other for no apparent reason
"Genuinely groundbreaking" -- author clearly on drugs
"Gritty" -- women get raped
"Has an intricate structure" -- has too many subplots
"High concept" -- no plot
"Innovative" -- full of 90s cliches
"Masterful" -- pompous
"Machiavellian" -- contains the sort of political machinations that would be transparent to a four year old
"Morally ambiguous" -- nice people die
"Morally compelling" -- the bad guys lose
"Morally complex" -- the bad guys get away with it
"Oldschool" -- full of 70s cliches
"Sensual" -- Women get raped and like it (see dark, see gritty)
"Sprawling" -- incoherent
"Striking new talent" -- author is twelve
"Strong on detail" -- low on character
"Suspenseful" -- plot left unresolved
"Sweeping" -- overlong
"The reader is transported into the bloody confusion of warfare" -- the author has no idea about strategy
"The setting is a character in its own right" -- the characters aren't
"Tightly plotted" -- book is only 800 pages long
"Tolkeinesque" -- generic
"Transcends the genre" -- Pretentious
"Unique voice" -- Gimmicky
"Unjustly neglected" -- obviously crap
"Zany" -- sub-Pratchett rip off.
"a myth cycle for our times" -- has not been edited
"Absorbing" -- trashy
"Adds an extra dimension of depth and breadth to the series" -- shameless padding
"A richly imagined world" -- in which nothing happens
"Challenges the conventions of the genre" -- reveals orcs to be misunderstood
"Charming" -- twee
"Classic" -- plundered ruthlessly by every other fantasy author (see Tolkeinesque)
"Comparable to." -- vaguely similar but not as good as
"Complex plot with lots of twists and turns" -- the mentor turns out to be the villain
"Cross-generational appeal" -- no sex
"Cult following" -- spawned a fanfic site
"Dark" -- contains whores (see gritty)
"Darkly sensual" -- contains elf bondage
"Deals with contemporary issues" -- contains gay elves
"Edgy" -- pornographic
"Epic" -- interminable
"Essential" -- has rabid fans
"Existential" -- everybody dies
"Forms an integral part of the series" -- doesn't make sense
"Free flowing" -- a mess
"Full of treachery and intrigue" -- people poison each other for no apparent reason
"Genuinely groundbreaking" -- author clearly on drugs
"Gritty" -- women get raped
"Has an intricate structure" -- has too many subplots
"High concept" -- no plot
"Innovative" -- full of 90s cliches
"Masterful" -- pompous
"Machiavellian" -- contains the sort of political machinations that would be transparent to a four year old
"Morally ambiguous" -- nice people die
"Morally compelling" -- the bad guys lose
"Morally complex" -- the bad guys get away with it
"Oldschool" -- full of 70s cliches
"Sensual" -- Women get raped and like it (see dark, see gritty)
"Sprawling" -- incoherent
"Striking new talent" -- author is twelve
"Strong on detail" -- low on character
"Suspenseful" -- plot left unresolved
"Sweeping" -- overlong
"The reader is transported into the bloody confusion of warfare" -- the author has no idea about strategy
"The setting is a character in its own right" -- the characters aren't
"Tightly plotted" -- book is only 800 pages long
"Tolkeinesque" -- generic
"Transcends the genre" -- Pretentious
"Unique voice" -- Gimmicky
"Unjustly neglected" -- obviously crap
"Zany" -- sub-Pratchett rip off.
